A Gardeners Forum Forums General Discussion The Banter Hall A child who is never satisfied

what do you do with one?

My step grand daughter, Tori who is 9, is a sweet little girl and I love her, but she is never satisfied. It takes the fun out of her visits. The last time she spent the night she wanted to go skating, which we did. It cost $18.00 to get in an rent skates but after 5 minutes she didn't really like it and wanted to leave. I told her no so she pouted for a while. She said she wanted to go... and she proceeded to name 6 or 7 other places and stores. Then she wanted to eat then something else and on and on until I was tired of hearing it so we left and went to the mall. I told my husband after that I wouldn't do it again without him around because it's no fun.

So yesterday she called and wanted to spend the night. Johnny said he'd be here so she came over. She walked in saying she was starving. I had fixed a turkey breast and some stuff to go with it so we sat down to eat. She wanted loaf bread to go with her turkey, which she ate, then she wanted to know if I didn't have another kind of bread, which I did, so she ate some of that. After we ate she saw that we have stuff to make hot chocolate so she wanted that, then she saw that I had grape juice so she wanted that. It just never stops. Finally Johnny said he was going to the store for diet Coke and Tori went with him. I was actually glad she was gone for a while.

She wanted to play hide and seek, monopoly, on the computer, on Webkinz, on some other site on the computer. She only wants things for a second then wants something else.

This morning for breakfast I was going to cook eggs, but she wanted cereal, which was fine. But then she wanted eggs, which I fixed. She said she didn't want bacon but wanted toast, but when we sat down she said she did want bacon and wanted toast made with the other bread. I finally told her no. That she'd had enough and I wasn't making anything else. So she said that she wanted a drink from Starbucks, so Johnny has taken her to Starbucks.

He called me when she wasn't listening and asked me why I was blunt to her. That I seemed mad and mean. So, now I feel terrible but I don't know how to handle this. No matter what I do she isn't happy. She doesn't cry or anything but as soon as she gets what she has said she wants she's on to the next thing. Maybe I'm old and set in my ways. I need your advice. I don't want her to think I'm mean.

Sheri it sounds to me that the child is overwhelmed by having too many options.

In the future, I would significantly limit her choices and explain that she has to stick with what she chooses. You may have to help her with this, and make it jolly even when her final choices don't turn out well.

For instance, don't offer so many selections at meal time. If you are planning to make eggs, then eggs it is. Let her pick how the eggs are cooked... scrambled or fried, letting her eat as much or as little as she will when the food is on the table but not giving her other options to replace it. If she chooses cereal and then screams for eggs, tell her she can have eggs later on for lunch, but breakfast is cereal.

Same with the games or entertainment. "Tonight we are..." or "tonight we can..." and only name two things.

It isn't a matter of whether or not you are being mean. You aren't. It is your home and you must set the limits. And, as the grandparent, you have the wisdom to help this child. Keep it lively, keep it light, but stick to your firm stance of setting parameters for her.


Merme

Maybe you should ground her?

Grounding works for me especially if dad adds making me write things down 60 million times "I will respect other people's property".

MAXI

Tori is going through rough times at home, isn't she? It sounds like she is asking for confirmation that she is loved and worthwhile. I would follow Merme's basic advise and add "I love you and we are having this for breakfast" or "You are a treasured child to me and we are going to have the hot chocolate later". Add a little ego boost with every option. "You don't really need that right now but I do need a hug now" "I could really use your help with these brownies" Confirm, confirm, confirm, even while saying no.

Tori's parents did separate a year ago but she has been like this for years. I do try to limit choices. When we went skating it was because she wanted to go skating. And I did tell her many times that we weren't leaving, that we were skating. And I finally told her that I had spent almost 20.00 to skate and that we needed to use up our time. She will quiet down for a few minutes then start up again.

Then this morning I asked what she wanted for breakfast, that Johnny was having eggs. She didn't want eggs but cereal. Which was fine. She eats almost everything she asks for so I hate not to give her food.

After the skating incident I told Johnny exactly what you said Merme. That I'm saying what the choices are and that's it. I tried it last night but she keeps on and on. It drove me nuts.

It amazes me that at 9 years old she knows so much about stores. She can name every store in Charlotte and tell me where they are, what they sell and what she wants to pick up there.

Seriously, when we were skating, she wanted to leave and go have tea at LaDeDa's, go t Justice and buy a red sweater she had seen there, go to M&M's and have her nails done, go to Old Navy and get jeans. She had a list and a plan. I used to think that her mother told her to ask us to buy all this stuff but Johnny says that's not so.

I used to think it would get better as she got older but it's gotten worse because she's been to more places.

Even Darbi gets aggravted when they play together because Tori will start something then want to move on when Darbi wants to finish it.

She can't come back for a while. I'll take her to dinner or a movie but she's not spending the night for a while. Especially since Johnny said I'm mean. This has given me a headache.

She is so sweet and loves everyone. I hate to feel this way.

Now it is sounding a little like add or adhd, Has she been tested? It would give me a headache too. I have limited patience for people of any age like this.

my kids go through the 'nothing is ever good enough' spurts now and then. it's not all the time like you are explaining though. ususally they act that way when there is too much going on in their little lives. we all live very fast paced lives these days. when my kids act like that I explain to them what they are doing and how it makes me feel, and how it makes others feel. sometimes making them just slow down helps.
getting her to help cook and clean up, when it comes to the food part, might also help. she'd get an appreciation of how much work goes with cooking something special after you've already prepared one thing. then help clean up the mess of two meals.

Merme and Cricket gave excellent advice,,,, Set limits and choices,,, from the beginning,, once the choice has been made, stick to it and don't over cater,,once you start that you've set the stage for it to continue,
Have a light hearted tone to your voice when saying no, ,, It sounds like she is seeking emotional attention,, and validation she is important to you.
Maybe speak with her while doing something girly fun.. ( like offer to paint her fingernails while having a talk,,) explaining you didn't mean to make her feel bad by saying " that was enough" But that you were getting confused in all the things she wanted to eat after she had already made her choices,, , just find a fun accepting way to say it so she understands you want her to be happy while with you, but you felt like a kangaroo hopping up and down earlier,, You know something silly as an example, to get her to feel okay about earlier,, and yet respect you and what you're saying ,, 9 yrs old is a tough age to absorb uncertainties in their life,, and will seek out by what ever means possible to feel wanted, and enjoyed. She may have seen it as being mean,, because she didn't know any other way to express it,, we all know you weren't being mean and was only wanting to make her happy,, but at the same time she was having you bounce around the kitchen like a kangaroo.
Again Merme and Cricket said it pretty Much in a nut shell,, give her praise too especially at a time when in her personal little life she probably needs it right now. Keeping in mind .... kids ... when they are going thru divorces, or other drama in their lives tend to get 'hyper' not knowing how to cope with the adult issues affecting their securities,, therefore not being able to stick to something for any length of time , and they will test boundaries
around those they aren't around too often,, truly they are seeking boundaries ,, and seem not to like it when they are set,, but deep inside they really do, it shows how much you care,, and to let her know you care verbally also validates her importance.

MY niece used to do this when she was younger. I didn't put up with it...not that I'm saying you are, but you are much more accommodating that I am. :) I used to say to her "you can pick one thing and only one thing to do out today. if you change your mind, we're coming home." She tested me once, I dropped everything we were doing and dragged her home...fussing and pouting all the way, but I had told her what was going to happen. At the house, I didn't much care if she went from doing one thing to another as long as she cleaned up everything that had been taken out before moving on to another something. as far as the stores and shopping, I am wondering if she has any concept of a money limit! My goodness! Go get a sweater and then paint her nails and go get tea....good grief! Does she watch those stupid shows on TV where the kids get anything they want???? Perhaps teaching her the value of money might be a good thing. Like she has $20 total (heck, $10 would be fine!) and that is it...when that is gone, it's gone. If she wants more money, then she needs to earn it by doing something around the house....maybe that isn't something that can be done since she doesn't stay there often? Dunno. Anyways, those are my thoughts....sorry they aren't much help. good luck!

not mean, and yes, a headache. i think all the advice is fine. and you love that little girl, and i'm sure she knows it.

it does sound like she has her grandpa wrapped a little tightly around that little finger. and, the add/adhd thing may also be an issue. but it sounds like she just makes you tired!

I know a girl who did this---in my opinion, with her anyway, it is a blend of all of the above suggestions.---ADHD and how she is dealing with all that is going on in her life.

--As if perhaps she is expecting you to get angry with her and yell at her----she may not even be aware she is doing this.

the girl I mentioned above has since grown up----but now she is constantly calling one person or another to "talk"---I am thinking she needs constant confirmation that she has friends and people that love her. very sweet girl otherwise.

Good luck with your step grand-daughter.

Thanks guys - as usual. Tori wasn't the one who said I was mean. It was Johnny and I think he thinks since she's not here much that I should do what ever. Problem with that is, when Tori's here most of the time, he isn't. He's at work or with Tori's dad. She's a girl so we do girl things most of the time. I called him from the skating rink when all that was happening and told him to come help me and he did come and stay for a while.

Since the girls were 4 and 6 (Alexis, Tori's sister), I've given them a $25.00 gift certificate to Barnes n Nobles Book Store and taken them all to get their nails done right before Christmas. We go to McDonald's or somewhere cheap to eat before we start. It costs a lot but they know it's part of their Christmas and we usually have a good time. Last year Tori started early with after this we'll do that and after that let's do this until her sister, Alexis who is 2 years older, told her to stop it and be quiet. An exchange of words happened after that until I put a stop to it. Evidentially it was getting on Darbi's and Alexis's nerves too. We ended up going to another store too because Tori wouldn't shut up. Tori asked me yesterday when we're going this year. I'm going to put a stop to her the minute she starts it this time.

As far as money. I think we've let her get out of control because they've never had a lot of money. Both Alexis and Tori can tell you what everything costs and what is too much. Darbi doesn't know a thing about money. Sometimes Darbi gets what she wants sometimes she doesn't but her parents never tell her they can't afford it like Tori's parents do. Alexis and Tori are privy to what I think should be adult conversations and I know that they're concerned about money all the time. They'll ask if they can have the chicken sandwich (which costs more than the burger) and still get fries too. Last time I took Alexis somewhere she wanted a drink from Starbucks. It cost $3.10 and she debated and debated whether she should really get it or not because she wasn't sure she could drink it all and didn't want to waste it. I got it for her and told her not to worry about it and she apologized all over herself when she didn't drink it all. I've always felt sorry for them being so money conscious at an early age so I think I've tried to compensate when they're with me. Now it's on my last nerve. So before we start on our excursion I'm going to say to them all that we'll have lunch, go to the bookstore, get our nails done and NO more.

I don't think there is anything wrong with children knowing a thing or two about 'what things cost'. especially nowadays, with the economy in such bad shape. after all, these economic times we are in will make the history books! they already are, for that matter. kids shouldn't be stressed out by every dollar that is spent on them, but they should be able to appreciate those dollars. and to know that dollars are hard earned!

That sounds like a loving plan, Sheri.
I don't always think learning money or lack of is such a bad thing. It can be the beginning of a lifetime of careful budgeting. I remember going to MacDonald's when burgers were 10 cents and having to choose between fries or a shake because money was tight. And my kids have had to choose sometimes too.
You have done well by your 'girls' and you care. That shows here and I bet it shows to them too.

Cricket, you hit the nail on the head. Both Alexis and Tori are very stressed about money. They're parents have had to keep a tight rein on the budget but I don't think they need to be told they can't buy lunchables for school because they cost too much that they'll have to take peanut butter sandwiches. It could be said in a different way. When we go shopping they will only look at the sale racks. Darbi doesn't get everything she wants but she doesn't know a sale rack from a real rack. If she asks for something that costs too much she's directed to another area without discussing the cost. She never complains. They are 9 and 11. It's so sad. I hope knowing so much about money will help rather than cause them to make poor choices as they get older.

Stephen once said something that I will never forget. We were looking at something (can't even remember what it was) and the price was $30 and he said "I'm not sure if this is worth 2 hours of work". He was right. Sometimes when we go to McDonalds for a quick lunch, he will say "well, we just spent an hour of work" Most people have no clue what he is talking about, but that is how we have started thinking about things. If he gets paid $15/hr, then for all of us to eat at McDonald's, it really is 1 hour of work for that. Hardly seems worth it.

I break things down like that too. And always have for my kids. I think it really helped them to understand the money/work angle.

I think like that sometimes too. Is it really worth a days work? And usually the answer is it's not. Alexis who is 11 and Tori who is 9 want only money for Christmas. I've asked them what they want the money for because maybe I'll buy it but they can't say. Just that they want money. I think all the discussions of money has made money way to important to them. I want them to have something to unwrap that they play with but Johnny says no. If that's what they've asked for then that's what they should get.

Last year we gave them and their mother North Face jackets, which cost a pretty penny. They went to the store after Christmas with their mom (I think to specifically check the price) and when they all found out how much they cost they returned them for the money. I don't know what they did with the money but it aggravated me because Alexis (who very much wants to be in style) had told me her friends had North Face jackets so I knew she wanted one.

Now that is sad. I have never returned a gift for money. I have returned for a more correct size but very rarely needed to. I only wanted money when I got into my teens. I did tell family not to get gift certificates this year. I'm a little worried that stores will close with the economy and Jonni might lose out on using them. So she is asking for more generic certs like a master or visa card. One you can use anywhere.

I've wanted money for Christmas before too but not when I was 9 years old. And I've returned gifts that I didn't like or want for the money. We give money and gift cards (except like you say this year) but I think they're too young to be concerned with this. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when they're here Christmas day and don't have a toy or book to open but they're getting cash.

I've returned plenty of gifts for Money, there is nothing wrong with that,, .IF it's done for the right reasons, If I don't like the gift,, need the gift, or want it, what's the point of keeping it, it's just wasting someone elses hard earned $$, ,,, Most times now days it's an in store credit anyway which is fine too, because then I can still get what I want, like, or need,!

Sheri,, Last year I got my Granddaughters purses w/ wallets and Grandsons wallets,,,,,

I filled the purses up with girly purse things,, Lip gloss,, trail size hand lotions,, pocket size kleenex,,,,, and comb combination,, ,, compact for mirror,, stuff like that,,,,,, In all their wallets,, I placed in Pictures of Me, them, their parents in the picture part, filled out the emergancy contact card ,, had an ID card made for them ( Just their Picture and name like a school ID laminated card made at Kinko's) and placed that in the Drivers License area,,,,, and placed Prepaid Visa Cards, Target cards, walmart cards in the credit card area ,, and put 5 one dollar bills in the bill compartment and 2 dollars worth of change including pennies in the coin area,........ They thought it was waaaaaaay cool.. this way they got one gift w/ Money,,

that's a great idea. I'm gonna do it. Surely Target isn't going to close and I know they shop at Target. I can get the girlie stuff, a gift card to Target, a wallet with OUR picture in it - how brilliant are you, and some cash. You're so smart.

That is an AWESOME gift!!!!! I'm totally stealing that idea....not for this Christmas, but I will be using that idea!

diane, that is awesome. i've always heard to put at least a dollar in a wallet/purse gift but NEVER to that extent. that made the gift so much more than just a wallet and some money.

thanks you guys,,,,, yep they Loved it,,,,,,, I just got off the phone with Ambroja,,,,, Looks like I need to do the same thing again this year,,, this year the 6 yr old wants a "Coach" signature bag,,,,,, WHAT?????????? I guess I could always buy a Gold majic Marker and draw the Coach signature all over the bag,,,,,

diane, i'm not surprized. ellie's little sister (father's side) had a dooney & bourke (not sure i spelled that right) bag. with a razor cell phone, and her own ipod nano. she was 5. i was floored. the same purse was the one my best friend's 15 yr old daughter wanted. only reason i even know what it was. i couldn't believe a 5 yr old or a 15 yr old would want a $130+ purse!

I will not buy brand names at a cost like that. I never have nor ever will. My kids have tried for the occasional brand name item. But they learned.

fashion starts Much younger and pressure is on at schools much earlier it floors me!!! I don't even have a signature bag of any kind, I'm NOT getting a 6 yr old or even a 16 yr old one,, the cost of one is almost equal to a carpayment just for a small one,,

when I was a kid (and I do the same for my kids) if they want a brand name something they pay the extra cost through chores or a job or whatever. but FIVE years old! that is ridiculous.

yes, my kids learned early too. but, ellie got spoiled by her father and her former inlaws. she's back to acting like my child now

I'm kind of a cheapskate I guess. I like the word thrifty better. But I also won't buy pirated things or unlicensed knock offs. I had a friend who was bringing my kids pirated movies. I asked him not to. People are losing hard earned money somewhere every time someone buys that stuff.

not a cheapskate. i prefer to buy new, the real thing myself. but the real thing for me is usually something at a good price for the item, without regard for it's brand. i'm as content with lesser known brands if the quality is good. and i've lived long enough to know that with few exceptions, those big name department store/boutique names end up in target/walmart/kmart eventually anyway.

like lee and levi's. they are available in discount department stores but i remember when they were $40+ a pair. when $40 was a LOT of money.

And I remember levis at $10 a pair, brand new and that was a lot of money.

Fortunately, my son isn't into brand name clothing. He just likes clothes! Bright and colorful and comfy.

But the responsibility for a 5 year old wanting and carrying designer purses rests solely on the parents. SOMEBODY has to be teaching her about them!


Merme

yes merme. her parents AND older cousins and friends. kids will emulate what they see, regardless of what they know is right. and so it goes until they reach their teens, and even then it is a battle for them.

Nope Merme Ambroja would never allow that nor does she even have a designer bag, of her own, she sees it as being " showey" some child at church or school must have had one ,, and told her 6 yr old what it wasand how cool it is to have one la de da, type thing, and that is all Ambroja hears now , " I wanna Coach bag",,,,,,, She told her daughter,,,,, Ain't gonna happen",,,,,, So Dariuanna sure didn't learn it from home, ,,, that's for sure!

Sorry, Di. I should have clarified what I meant by that better! Maybe the parents aren't teaching the kid such skewed values, but if they are caving in and doing the buying... well then.

Your Ambroja is really SMART for not giving in!

I went to a high school in PA where most of the girls hung their clothes inside out in the locker room to show off their labels. AND many of them wore tiny Ladybug lapel pins to show they shopped at that expensive store.

It was SUCH a turn off for me, that I turned a blind eye to labels.

Plus, with all the seamstresses in my family, we learned young to stay focussed on quality of construction, fabric, etc and to ignore the label. To this day, I still shop with my hands touching the fabrics as I go past displays. It is something my shoppers laugh at me about! I won't stop and look at anything that doesn't feel right in my hand first.

Oddball.


Merme

tyhat is sure a lot of money for a purse for anyone----"knock off's are the way to go for children that age---I have a Dooney & Bourke wanna be.

iot cost me $15.00---it is a shoulder wallet thingy---quite nice for shopping---

and just my idea but what is worse the kids wanting such items or them being given them???---

I know, speaking of myself, peer pressure and how every other kid in the grade has something can be really push a kid into doing almost anything for that 'thing' - including constant begging and 'bugging' parents. In some cases (like my friend) the desire for something can get in th way of thinking logically and can make kids do things they will regret (shoplift, stealing money, stealing the thing from someone at school). I remember in grade 4/5 we were all over the pokemon cards. And they were pretty expensive too! I kept asking for them, and come birthday, I got money and bought a pack. But by then, they were loosing their popularity so it was really pointless. I don't know if it is a Chinese thing, but giving 'lucky money' (money in a red envelope) is pretty common. Most of the time, it's the idea that 'go get something for yourself' or 'I know you wanted ________ but I will only give you this much. You have to make up the rest for yourself.' But along with giving lots of money, ever since I remember, I was always told 'you can only use money from 1 envelope and the rest goes into the bank.'

As kids grow and go through school, the 'cool' brands will change. Cool brands also change with schools. I went to a highschool for 2 years, and almost every person wore baggy clothing (t-shirts looked like pj gowns that reached the knees, and the jeans looked like they wer about to fall off) 'Gangster' clothing was all te hit; brands like: Dickie, GUnit, Ecko, Enyce. Now at this highschool, it's more American casual brands: Abercrombie, Hollister, Aerospotale, American Eagle. I can't justify spendin $20 for a pair of underwear stamped with 'Hollister' all around. When thy start to work, they'll realize how hard it is to earn money. I know one year, after New Years, and I counted all the money I got, I gave it to my mom and she told me she was 'going to put it in the bank'. A month later, I found my bank book inside her drawer, and not only had no money been put in, but money was taken out, and I have a dollar or so left inside. My dad was out of a job, and I guess in extrodinary circumstances, it doesn't matter where the money comes from as long as you have it :S