A Gardeners Forum Forums General Discussion The Banter Hall From afgreyparrot...

Yes...it's me (Cindy)...not really a grasshopper.

I have had time to think about what I did...deleting myself and all my posts from the forum...and time to talk with my headshrinkers about it. They know a little bit more about me than any of you here do. I told my main psychiatrist (who we will hereinafter refer to as "L") what I had done, and why I did it. I told her that I didn't explain to anyone why I did it...I just vanished along with all my posts, wrecking havoc on the forum for a day or so. I told her that it caused people who I thought were my friends to turn their backs on me, one even calling me a traitor. "L" made me stay an extra hour while she got my "Behavioral Therapist" (hereinafter referred to as "C") to come in to talk to me.

"C" always starts our sessions with "On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being suicidal, where are you today?"
My answer was 9, which surprised her because we have discussed suicide before and I told her I would never do it. I had also told her that even if I ever got to a "9" on the scale, that it would never turn into a "10"...because I would never do that to my family. "9" would just mean I would want to do it but I would go through my own pain and deal with it so that my family would not have to suffer for it.

Anyway...since my headshrinkers know every detail of my life before I went to Washington to live with Bill, my life there, my illness there, my "unlife" with Bill now, and trying to get on with a new life when it seems that I am getting sicker instead of better...they understood completely why I "deleted" myself from the forum...and since my friends here and this forum have meant so much to me for many years now, that I should not leave without an explanation, only because it made my friends (and Bill) think so much less of me...which depresses me very much.


So, here goes.....

I am not going to get into anything personal here about me and Bill, but we are history, and have been for quite sometime. I have tried very hard to "get over it"...but it's very hard to do when I look at old topics here and it is all such a wonderful fairy tale...of driving across the country with Bill, living in a fairytale world at Cedar Hill...our life together. The Gallery had the "Cindy and Bill Show"...my walks with Shadow, and Bill...pictures of "our" gardens...I always referred to Cedar Hill as "home". My visits to Kentucky were just that..."visits"...and Cedar Hill was "home". It is not easy to read that everyday and try to "get on with my life". I still had every PM from Bill from the beginning, years of PM's. I would not delete them.

My health has gone downhill a lot since I have been back in Kentucky...it's worse than I have told anyone here. I had made a topic about "blinging out" my walker and wheelchair, and it was kinda funny...but the sad thing is, it's true. I use a walker and a wheelchair, and I didn't really come right out and say that because it kills me to be someone who could climb a tree in 5 seconds with a heavy backpack on to keep the electric company from cutting my trees down, then all of a sudden turning into someone else who I didn't know...someone who uses a walker and a wheelchair and cries everyday from being in pain.

I have to move on with my life, what little life I might have left. Every day since I came out of the coma has been a priceless gift, and trust me, I don't go to sleep at night without thanking God for each day I am alive.

But, it's so hard to try to go on with this new life, and read all the "I love you's" still on the forum between me and Bill. I could have stayed here and been a good hostess and enjoyed the forum...but not with all that still here. It was too "in my face" all the time.

SO.....it is gone now....and I don't have to look at it anymore.
Unfortunately for me, I had to delete myself as well.

I hope this has explained what I am trying to say, but having a hard time finding the right words for. I'm sorry some of you have bad feelings about me now.
People come and go on the forum...I never thought I would go, but I did.
I didn't want to, but that's the only thing I could do to get rid of my old posts here that upset me every time I saw them.

Thank you to the friends who are still talking to me via email. And I hope that the rest of my friends I had here will try to understand why I did such an irrational thing.

And to Bill, I am very sorry for messing the forum up and deleting topics that you wanted to keep. I hope you will try to put yourself in my place and think about what I was dealing with...and hopefully you will forgive me one of these days.



Cindy
(...can't run with scissors anymore...)

Cindy ~ although you haven't returned any of my voice mails or emails, I still consider you my friend.

My opinion about what you did doesn't matter. What matters is my hope that things will improve for you.... your health, your life, your connections to what makes you strong.

I can't think of anything better to wish for you.



Merme

I forgave you on the day that happened...

Cindy, tie your scissors to your walker and scoot along as best you can.

Cindy, When I came on the other day and saw that had happened, it didn't cause me to think less of you at all. I did however sit and try to think of what might make you do this, in just this manner. So thank you for the explanation.

Thinking of you and praying for you every day.

I agree with Sheri. Tie those sissors to the walker--heck, tie a pair to the wheelchair as well---& go for it. (although perhaps put a clip on said vehicles & clip the sissors to them.)

BTW: While I do not need my walker all the time, be assured, there are days when I do--and I am very happy it is here for me to use. I have mentally thanked my Dr, many times that he sent it home with me. Sometimes we gtotta do what we gotta do.

Cindy, you know my prayers and friendship are with you and have been right along.

I totally agree! And I totally understand your sadness and frustration, and am SO HAPPY that you could come back here and post your feelings. I, too, only wish the best for you.

Snatch the birdseed from my hand, Grasshopper.

I use a cane when my gout gets bad and my wife has a Baker's cyst in her knee and has touse a cane at times. We keep THREE canes in our house for that reason...and PLENTY of Lortab!

Grasshopper,

Just do what makes YOU happy.....

Thats History......

This is future......

But I dont have a space ship..LOL

Goffer cindy.

dodge was here

I'm in the cane brigade too, so you are not alone. And I do know what it's like to look at e-mails that you just wish were not there.

Be cool.

WTG Wild Willy

Cindy Lou Grasshopper,
I to know whats it's like to want to just check out but still have the strengh to go on... comes from God and friends who love you no matter what---- take care.... bling out the walker and chair- fasten the sissors to it if you like - heck bling them out too... do what you need to do for you---
Nana

OK Grasshopper! Listen up!!!

I don't know if this was pure coincidence or not, but I was in TJMaxx, Marshalls, and Kohl's today, and there were a couple of women in each of those stores using walkers! I have never noticed it before, but definitely saw it today! Some were bright blue, one was a bright red. No one was bothered by them, and the women were of various ages using them.

So I say... go live life to the fullest you are able to, and enjoy yourself!

Cindy No need to explain,, you did what you felt was necessary at the time.
My Interest is as it's always been and always will be in that you are get healthy and happy.
I'm not a fair-weathered friend,, I'll always be here for you,
I've left you phone messages as well,, and posted on your facebook.
I just want you happy so your healing will progress forward.

You go ahead and do whatever you need to do for you. If people don't like it then they are undeserving of your friendship, in my opinion. I hope that you get well and can build more happy memories for many more years to come. Take care of yourself and know that you are loved.

well said cheryl.

cindy, you know my opinion, 'nuff said. take care friend.

Cindy I think of you daily and you are always be in my prayers Love ya Girlfriend

having enuff friggin' drama in my own life, i recognised right off the caliber of yours when this whole thing came down, and i was sure of 2 things right off.
one was, you felt backed into a corner and needed an escape path and never meant to do damage to anyone, you were in survival mode.(been there, done that) and another thing i could tell just from the tone of bill's reaction, and not necessarily even his words, is that he understands you better than any of us, perhaps, and though it hurt, he "got" what you were doing and he had to shrug it off, although it stung a bit.
and so life goes on, a new chapter, we all survived. (life is much much bigger than a few thousand posts on the internet). reality is on the other side of the keyboard where we all have to deal with what we have been handed, be it heaven or hell or this purgatory where we pay our dues. you take care, now, ok?

well said Patunia,, well said

I agree - very well said.

Well...this one got me to do something I wasn't going to do again...post.
But...I have to say.....you nailed it, Patunia. Thanks, "sister of the brush"...


I pm'd Bill and told him to feel free to "poof" the Grasshopper now...I think Patunia pretty much summed it all up...and my work here is done.


I love you guys.....

Are you just trying to poke the bear some more now???
GOOD JOB CINDY!!!

does it tickle when we poke the bear? :ding:

tee hee hee ...

Go post it! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Double Dog Dare!!!!!!

LMAO!....and it hurts to laugh! hehehehehehehehhe


I just think it emphasizes what Bill has said all along.

OH MY word, it is so very good to laugh.

That puts Bill's saying into a whole differnt realm for me. :wink:

I do still pray for Cindy, and hope she comes out the other end of this thing whole & happy.

If Cindy has seen this she's laughing so hard she can't hold onto her walker.

Cindy is not feeling well. I was trying to cheer her up. Who do you think double dog dared me to post it here?

ohhhhh the double dog dare..... hummmmmmm

Oh, the old double dog....

You weren't up early enough ........She was on the sidelines..