A Gardeners Forum Forums Members History Forum Life 2005 New Jokes

I could use one today....how 'bout you?


THE AIRLINES
This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.There's a parrot in the seat next to him,who snaps,"A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes ,sir"the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,"You @#*$# hag, get me my bloody Scotch!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.

As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".

raoflmao big time!!!!!

here's one...it's not in the greatest taste...
you know Elizabeth Taylor,right?...Well i hear she IS the new ride at Disney World! ah ha ha ha

GOING, GOING, GONE!
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Duckie those are some pretty good jokes. We all needed that as we are all praying for cindy
Jimmy

What was Lola doing on an auction block?

Good jokes you all.

I received this in an e-mail. I thought it was hilarious. And so true.....

Adult dress code

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:



1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker



And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:



13. Thongs and Depends



Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.



Dianna

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day .....
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

KEEP UP THE GREAT GARDENING!! cause now we know why we need it!!!

A farmer buys a pair of bonded parrots. He puts them in his living room in a larger cage and notices that the male parrot immediately makes untoward advances to the hen. After a few hours the hen is dead and the farmer, disgusted with this turn of events throws out the male. A few hours later the farmer sees the parrot at it again. He thinks, "I had better do something about that parrot", but when he returns with his shotgun - there are dead chickens everywhere and no parrot to be seen. The next day, after finding several wild birds also dead, the farmer sets out to find this parrot. He comes upon him lying on the ground with his feet in the air. "So you finally did yourself in, huh?!?!" to which the parrot, pointing to the buzzards circling overhead and winking laciviously replies, "shhhhhhhhh".

lol!! these jokes are just tooooo funny!!! and I knew this part was coming up in the adult dress code lol...Thongs and Depends...

Once there was an old man , a young boy and a donkey traveling the roads together.
The old man rode the donkey and people said "how could you let that little boy walk,you're so cruel",so the old man put the kid on the donkey and carried on.
Then people said" why are you walking at all when you have a perfectly good donkey",so they both rode the creature.
Then people said "you're so cruel to that poor donkey" so they both got off and carried the donkey.
They reached a bridge and lost a hold on the donkey ,he fell into the water and was lost.

so please remember,if you try to please all the people,all the time.You will lose your [BLEEP].

DUCKIE!!!

YOU rock, chickie!

I hadn't even seen this topic!

I guess I was unconscious.

Cindy

(quack quack)

O.K. I know somebody still has a copy of The Cowboy and The Yuppie-- so post it... I can't mine got deleted!!!!!

I FOUND IT!!!
The Cowboy and The Yuppie
A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business."

"Now give me back my DOG."

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN! (especially these days!)


A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"




"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?)



"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.




"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.




"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."


"If you do I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.




"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.




"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."




"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL of the story:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

A bit risque.

A big ugly man goes to the pub each night, and every night he walks out with a gorgeous girl. The other men cannot understand how he does it.
They ask the barman "What has that ugly bloke got that we hav'nt?". "Dunno say's the barman, he comes in each night orders a pint of beer, sits in the corner, when he's finished it, he licks his eyebrows, and off he goes".

Doreen <img border="0" alt="[tongue]" title="" src="graemlins/tongue.gif" />

Here's a little fun(ny) something Steve just forwarded to me. I've read this one before, but I love it, just had to share.

Subject: FW: women!!!!!

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


FIVE MINUTES


If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"


GO AHEAD


This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.


LOUD SIGH


This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"


THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.


WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!


And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!

-------------------------


I wish I were a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum.
'Cuz how can you be grumpy, when the sun shine's out your bum?


Meg

YEP!

LOL

G-Mom